Love and Heartache

Sometimes I don't know if I have the emotional capacity to be a mom. Seriously. No one prepares you for how emotionally taxing it is to have a child.

It was amazing how I peed on a stick, it said I was pregnant and I instantly felt a connection to something that was barely even a few cells.

Then it was even more amazing how I carried a baby for 9 months, was in the most pain I have ever been in in my entire life and then suddenly she was there. The instantaneous love that I felt was beyond anything I have ever experienced. And she was a complete stranger.

Now, with every passing day, my love grows and grows. Sometimes I think my heart is going to explode.

With all of this love that comes with being a mom, there is also a whole lot of heartache. I can tell you that there is literally nothing worse than your child being in pain. I have never experienced anything like losing a child or watching a child suffer through a major illness but even the little things can bring about heartache.

Allie has been sick since Tuesday. She got a fever while at the babysitter and I had to leave work early to pick her up. She was completely miserable for 2 days. Wouldn't sleep, wouldn't eat, wouldn't drink. The worst part was that I couldn't do anything to help her. She has never been one to snuggle with us and she's the same way when she is sick. At one point I just layed her down in her bed and let her cry because she didn't want to be anywhere else. I knew she was in pain and there was nothing I could do.

I took her to the doctor yesterday and found out she has an ear infection. I have had my share of ear infections and I can tell you they are miserable. We got her an antibiotic and hoped she would be better soon.

Turns out, she's allergic to amoxicillin. She broke out in a horrible rash all over her face, neck, stomach and back and her face swelled up. The poor girl was miserable until we could get into the doctor at the end of the day to get a new antibiotic.

Once we were home, I finally got her to eat something and put her to bed. My heart just aches for her and I wish so badly that I could take her place and take away her pain. I know this isn't a major ailment but it honestly doesn't matter. I still wish I could make it go away.

It terrifies me to think about the things that will come in the future for her and how I can't protect her from everything in life.

Multiply that by 2 or 3 more kids? I will probably lose my mind by the time I am 40.

Stay tuned for a more lighthearted post on giving medicine to a 1 year old...